He said, “I think it’s time you share that story… it’s who you are.”
I replied, “It’s not who I am, it’s who I was.”
“It’s who you are because everything in your past has made you who you are today.”
While I agree with part of that last statement, much of who I am today is caused by the Holy Spirit taking hold of my life- in a conscious and deliberate decision every day.
Granted, I probably wouldn’t have sought His help if it were not for those circumstances my husband referred to above…However, it’s hard to put the pencil to the paper on this particular topic.
Typically, I’m an open book but very few people know my entire story. Half the time I like it that way, and the other half I want to share if only for the hope of reaching someone in need.
It’s not easy to admit when you have something to work on, but when you’ve overcome the issue, sometimes it’s easier to brush it under the rug as if it never happened. Maybe it was far too great a nightmare to relive simply by talking about it. Or maybe you’re worried about what other people will think. Everyone seems to have an opinion, some stronger and louder than others, and opinions are not always gentle.
I think those two things are what has kept me from sharing this part of my past. I don’t want to decorate it or flaunt it in any way. It’s not glamorous or attractive in any way- contrary to what many reality shows lead you to believe. And if you’ve ever done drugs, you know exactly what I mean.
It was a very dark time in my life, perhaps the darkest if you include one major piece that occurred during this time. That’ll be for another post, though. It crept up on me and before long I was doing things I never imagined I would ever accept. At that point, it was acceptable because I had put a price on myself, and it was “worthless.”
I realized that my view of self-worth gradually enveloped me until I didn’t recognize myself or my surroundings- nor did I care.
What I learned years later is that I must stop seeking my value in anyone or anything, including myself. The only way I was going to change my price to “priceless” instead of “worthless”, was truly accepting that a deity larger than life LOVED ME unconditionally and forgiveness was painfully close. All I needed to do was give up.
Yes, give up. Give up on taking the reins and leading my own life. I was spiraling in a direction that led straight to my grave and if any ounce of me still cared and wanted a better life, I needed to give up and give it to God.
I swallowed a lot of pride and it wasn’t overnight. I was prideful thinking I could have all I want and not suffer consequences. I was prideful in constantly worrying about myself, not the face of my future or the heart of God which ached with longing.
He knows what wonderful things you can accomplish and all He asks is for you to let Him show you your value in His eyes.
It’s a wonderful gift to not yearn for belonging, to beg in every fiber of your being for love and affection. It was all temporary and incomplete. That yearning will only snare you into alleys you’ve never been and leave you weak with nothing left to give. The only way is to let down your brick wall, brick by brick and let the Holy Spirit surprise you with life-changing Grace.
I don’t yearn for acceptance from anyone else now but Jesus. It’s not about whether I will be loved if I don’t take a hit. It’s not about whether I will fit in if I don’t snort, shoot or smoke. It’s about the fact that I don’t have to do ANYTHING to be loved by God. It’s instantaneous and unconditional. Period.
Knowing this beautiful truth, just as your heart breaks when your child cries, His heart hurts when we fall prey down a path based on our own ill-feelings of ourselves. Because He can’t see why. He can’t see why we hate ourselves or want to harm ourselves with drugs or alcohol.
All He has is love for us and if we’d only embrace it with open arms, restoration can begin.
I desperately need a Savior and I desperately needed restoration. He was always there waiting for me to open the door and let Him in. Let Him take the steering wheel and hop in the front seat. Confide in Him, seek REFUGE in Him. He heals, renews and restores- tenfold.
So maybe this part of my past is part of who I am. Because looking back, God was there…waiting for me.