You Are More Than What You Are Going Through

get-attachment (9)


I have been going back and forth whether or not to write about this, my heart is aching to get it out, but my mind is questioning it. I know that God is wanting other people to know, and sometimes we go through things that God wants us to share with others. It is how we can show each other God’s love and mercy!

John 16:33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.

1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

We all have something that has happened to us or is happening to us now that causes us suffering and/or distress. It is in that moment when we find out what we are made of, it is when we find out what God wants to do with us or use us for. Some of us get up. Some of us stay down, flat on the floor, hoping that if we stay down we can get through it. Some of us just hide what we are feeling, we put on that smile and we move forward. Some of us pray through it. Some of us suffer through it.

I am the product of an affair. I don’t know my dad personally, but we have talked on the phone a few times. I have only seen him a handful of times in all my 28 years. I honestly can look back and don’t ever see an issue with having just a mom. It wasn’t until my preteens and teenage years that it hit me hard. Just because I didn’t have a dad didn’t mean I missed out on love as a child, I had Great Grandparents and Grandparents that cared for me.

It was when I was in third grade that I started hearing about these other kids that had my last name. It didn’t click, because I thought my last name was a common last name. It really wasn’t, but how was I to know? I found out I had brothers in classes higher than me. That made me want to know them more, I wanted to reach out to them, I wanted to have that relationship because I was an only child at that point. It was around that time that when I tried to reach out, they wanted nothing to do with me. Parents, be careful what you say around your kids or to your kids. I was then made fun of until they graduated high school, I was the affair child. I was the one that didn’t belong there, I was a mistake.

A mistake…

When you hear that enough, it sinks in. You begin to believe it, you can’t let it go because if all of these people say it, it must be true. If that father of yours isn’t around, he must have known you were a mistake, too. He didn’t want anything to do with you. What is wrong with you? Why don’t any of these people want to know you? I could go on and on with what went through my head. I hated myself for years. I didn’t want to look in the mirror because I could see my father in me. My heart ached, what was wrong with me? How could anyone love me?

I went years like this, I even thought about running away. I thought about what it would be like if I wasn’t here anymore. I went through years of being bullied and staying quiet about it. I didn’t want to add more light to what I went through. It was my closet problems. I wouldn’t share it with just anyone, honestly, I didn’t share it with anyone until a couple of years ago. I yearned to be special, and I wanted them to stop and leave me alone. I wanted to escape. I wanted to show them I was more than what they were labeling me as.

I am more than that!

I prayed for peace. I prayed for God to take it away. I prayed the only way I knew how. I wasn’t in a religious home, so I had to do what felt natural to me. I still do it this way. I closed my eyes, pray in my head or aloud, I take a deep breath and let it out, like I am sending it God. It is like my message in a bottle but in a breath.

I only saw my dad a few times from birth to 6 years old. After that, I never heard from him until I was 21. After that one phone call and many rude texts, I changed my number. I tried to give him another chance when I was 24 and another chance when I was 27. Needless to say, I keep giving him chances because I hope he will love me, he will want to be in my life, that he will change and be a father.

God has shown me over the years that God is a better father than my earthly father will be.

It is something I went all my life dealing with. I still suffer with it because I don’t understand, I can’t wrap my mind around it, why wouldn’t a father want to be in his children’s life? Why wouldn’t he want to know his grand children? Why? I hold my family close to me.

God gives us these things in life, this is one that I want to reach out to others. I want to tell them, it will get better, God helps it get better. We can’t move through it without Him.

Romans 5:3 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.
%d bloggers like this: