Grief Stricken Mom Life

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“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  Romans 8:18 NIV

Grief can be caused by not just death of an individual. Ever lose a friendship that you put your heart and soul into for them to walk away? Have you ever lost a job that you thought was going great, and get called into your boss’s office to be let go? Lost a pet? All of these are situations of grief and how we choose to grieve is our choice.

I currently live a grief stricken life. For almost 3 years, my oldest son and I have had a relationship that I have had absolutely no control over. At 17 years old, one day defined the rest of our lives as mother and son. On January 1, 2011, my then 17 year old son left my home and never returned. We had a terrible fight and to calm things down I asked him to go to his dad’s house so we could have some time to cool off. But in his eyes I was kicking him out and that I didn’t love him. I now can see where he was coming from. I went to my room hysterical and heard him pack his clothes in garbage bags and he never said he was leaving or good bye. He has never returned home.

For a year and a half he and I had a distant relationship. I only showed up to his choir performances when scheduled. His dad had taken my role and his and ran with it. One of the worst parts was that his father never called me to include me in our son’s life nor did he find it necessary to try to help our relationship heal. My son didn’t come and see me unless it took about 2 or 3 phone calls from me to ask him to get yogurt or something.

In June 2013, my son graduated from high school. One of my proudest moments. I felt like a foreigner there.  His dad had been remarried and she was attempting to take my glory. My son had a girlfriend and she was there supporting him. After graduation, I gave him a new silver cross with a heartfelt note. I was so proud and I think I remembered every single moment from his childhood. It was so emotional.

That next day was marked as the day that he and I didn’t talk or see each other for almost a year. He and I literally live no more than 10 minutes apart. We never ran into each other at all. I tried to text him for a while but gave up with never an answer from him. This time also came with many, many sleepless nights of blame and shame. My existence as a mother was threatened and it all went back to the moment the he moved out 2 years before.

In July of 2013, I noticed a change in my life. My spirit and my heart were changing. A new season in life was happening. I was attending a new church that was like nothing I experienced before. The Holy Spirit was moving in my life. I thought I knew what was really needed in my relationship with Christ. I wasn’t even close. After many teachings from my pastor, my spirit was shaken. At that time I knew it was time to completely surrender all of this grief. I couldn’t carry anymore of this burden. I knew that my son wasn’t my burden. It was all of the stress, uncontrollable crying, and sadness that needed to be released. To remember that someone died for me to have joy and live life. I had to embrace the sacrifices that the one and only Jesus gave His life for me.


I prayed and prayed, over and over. I asked Jesus to take everything I had been carrying and to please, take it all. I was exhausted. Over the next few days I noticed a huge change in my demeanor, my physical health, and I was sleeping better.


 

Well at the end of May 2014, my step-daughter was having a graduation party. To my understanding, she had invited my son to the party. My step-son texted him the night before to see if he was coming as well. I didn’t know he had done this. About 2 hours into the party my son shows up. My stomach dropped, I was the last one he said hello. Instantly I starting crying. He was so handsome and my heart melted. All the anger and hurt I had was gone in a second. He hugged me and looked at me and asked me to stop crying, that he had something to say to me. He said he was sorry. All I could say was that he was my son, and time will happen for us to take it all out. I love him.

For about 6-8 weeks later, we saw each other about once a week. We had some great talks and fun. I was so joyful and thankful for being reunited with my son. What more could I ask for? He was back and not just a part of my life, but his step brother and sister, and his step dad’s life. I was even spending time with him and his girlfriend. She was texting me. I felt we were in such a good place.

Currently, I am not seeing nor speaking to my son again. He stopped returning my texts and my calls. I know God is taking over my life now as I chose to do over a year ago. I worry. I miss him. I am his mom. He has started back to college, he pays his owns bills, and he works full time. I am his mom I should be helping. I know God has this. God is taking care of him. I am doing my part by trusting God and praying for him.

Grief is something I didn’t think I could manage. Now through Christ and relationships, I know I can.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Psalm 56:3 NIV

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